The Mask We Wear

THE WORST KIND OF PAIN IS WHEN YOU'RE SMILING JUST TO STOP THE TEARS FROM FALLING.

Chronic pain is not just pain that is sometimes there, then leaves, then comes back again.  Chronic pain is the first thing you feel when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you feel when you close your eyes and blissfully fall asleep (if you are fortunate enough to be able to sleep).  You can look at me and not know that I have had chronic pain.  To see me walk you would suspect something, but just to look at me - no, there are no visable signs of a problem.  My chronic pain is invisible - completely undetectable to everyone around me.

Yesterday I went to my dentist for a routine cleaning.  The atmosphere in the waiting room was inviting and calm.  The doctor's wife did all of the decorating and she has extremely good taste.  The waiting room exudes simple elegance. 

I'm not a person who typically gets uptight at the dentist's office, unless it's an appointment for a filling or a root canal.  A cleaning is not a big deal.  I was beginning to get comfortable in the chair when I heard:

"Wow - it sure is windy out there today!"  I heard the comment come from behind the counter.  I could not see a person and did not know that she was addressing the comment to me.  She peeked around the computer and smiled.  I knew she was talking to me.

"Oh - yes!  I nearly blew away coming in here from the parking lot", I quickly replied. 

The conversation could have easily ended there, but didn't.

"I felt as if I was running against the wind this morning and had to walk some of the way."  Angie is probably 30-something, has a very nice figure and beautiful red hair and lovely pearly white teeth.  She is bubbly and outgoing and someone that everyone loves to be around.

When I heard her make that comment, a twinge of jealousy surged through me like electricity.  I want to cry when that happens because that is not the type of person I want to turn into.  I don't want to be the bitter old woman who envies the young woman who can do handstands from one end of Main street to the other!

"I'll bet that was quite a challenge - you probably burned more calories that way", I said as I chuckled.  I wanted to sound just as upbeat and happy as she did.

Then the phone rang and she answered it.  I was relieved and the jealousy and envy left me.  I sat there and prayed, "Oh God, please don't let me turn into a bitter old woman!"

Those who suffer with chronic pain wear a mask.  It was not Angie's job to know my pain or be sensitive to it.  It was not my job to tell her about my pain and burden her.  It was a moment when I had to put on the "I'm just fine" mask - put my big girl panties on - and socialize.  It was small talk to her, but it was breaking my heart.

When I see a young person who is pain-free, it makes me remember the days before my accident.  What accident?  Well, it was plain dumb and stupid, but most accidents are!  I was doing laundry and had a basket of clothes in my hands - it took both hands to hang on to the basket, so when I was going down the stairs, I was not hanging on to the rail.  Hey, I was a young gal - only 22 years old.  Rail???  I don't need no stinking rail!!!!!!!!  Yeah - right!

I was wearing fuzzy socks and the stairs were carpeted.  This is not a good combination, ladies!  You know those cartoons where the character's feet slide out from under them, and there's just a few seconds when they're in mid-air, then gravity kicks in???  It was sort of like that - my feet slipped, the basket of laundry tumbled down the stairs, and gravity did its thing - and BOOM!  I landed smack dab on my butt!  I landed so hard, I passed out!

My husband apparently carried me to the couch because that's where I woke up.  I think at that point I was so embarrassed about what I'd done I wasn't really thinking about whether I was injured or not.  You know, when you're 22 years old, you're still resilient and bounce back from anything!  I got up, picked up the clothes and went on with my chores.  I had pain, but I was not going to admit it!

I used to run and walk with no pain.  Since the day of my accident in mid-July, 1983, I have not had one single day without pain.  Not one.  Years later my chiropractor took x-rays.  By then it was a 30 year old injury.  When I fell down stairs, my pelvic bone on the right side rotated and now presses up against the sciatic nerve.  I've asked every doctor I've gone to if it can be repaired and the answer is always a resounding "no".  That's not the answer I wanted to hear! 

So, I have a mask and through the years I've gotten used to putting it on and giving the impression that everything is just fine, even when my pain level is at a 15 on a scale from 1-10.  For the most part things are fine.  Life is good, even with the pain.

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